so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Never joke about your clitoris.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
