So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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