he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
