I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
