the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
