fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
