hotel room ftw
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
