yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
