It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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