i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
