I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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