Even water is tasting like jack daniels
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
