Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
