He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
there is puke in my bra ... again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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