I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
