wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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