i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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