went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
