If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
