I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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