I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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