I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
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I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
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I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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