I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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