let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
