I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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