Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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