I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
