so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
