I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
