i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
