I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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