I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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