Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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