so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
