It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
