Actions speak louder than pants.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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