Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
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You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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