Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
