Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
