you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
