oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
