Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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