life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
my liver is dry heaving
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
