what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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