So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
