I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
