and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
