I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.