U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.