i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
