but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
