is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
