i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
