I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Pants are for mortals
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
